When we lose something or someone our identity to them is broken. You are someone's daughter, son, wife, husband, grandchild. Even the loss of a job and the connection we have to the building, people we work with can be altered. Be it through retirement, or change of environment because of the need to move cities or towns.

The Psychology of Connection and Grief

As humans we lead lives that can root us to specific places and people and if these change for any reason, we can respond as though we are grieving.

It's natural but can be disconcerting if you aren't prepared for it. Unplanned events and even those that are planned can leave a gap in who we feel we are or should be.

The links between death and identity cannot be underestimated. Each are their own taboo subjects that are interconnected. What we think or know of our identity to one thing or one person can be shattered if we are not willing to be open to knowing and understanding how we fit or otherwise. Our interconnectedness and personal understanding is only as good as what we are willing to learn from our relationships.

The Multifaceted Nature of Identity

Identity is not a static monolith; it has a variety of facets to it given the very nature of our ability to connect and interact with so many different environments and people. While we often think of our identity in terms of major roles, it is actually a complex tapestry of micro-connections and interacting with so many. Though for some our identity may seem to have only a small sphere of influence. The reality of how we react and who we interact with can spread further than we realise.

Identity can mean how you view yourself, how you are connected to someone in a physical way, eg marriage, birth etc. Our family constructs have a huge bearing on our identity. If we come from a socially active and engaged family we are likely to be similar but of course not all families follow suit of their parents/ relatives.

How we view ourselves in relation to any one of the relationships we engage in throughout our daily lives, can have a positive or negative effect on those around us.

Internal Essence vs. External Labels

The tension between how we define ourselves and how the world labels us is a central conflict in human development. For example, I identify myself as a woman with physical challenges and not as disabled, because the latter term suggests a lack of agency that I do not feel. This distinction is critical: identifying as "who I am" (the essence) rather than "what I am" (the category) allows for greater psychological resilience.

I don’t see myself as disabled, because it doesn't hinder me. I view myself as who I am and not what I am. The distinction between the two for me is critical. For years I was likely identified by physical appearance and then as a Mother, which I still am, but we are all much more than that. I am me, stubborn, loving, patient, impatient, passionate, friendly, hostile (sometimes) funny, intelligent enough, purpose driven, determined, and sometimes daft! That is me, that is my identity which is so much more than just about how we connect and identity ourselves.

When we rely solely on external labels—like our profession, our appearance, or our marital status—we become vulnerable. If those labels are stripped away by circumstance, we feel erased. However, if our identity is rooted in our internal qualities (stubbornness, love, intelligence), we remain intact even when our external world changes.

You may identify differently and feel strongly about the way in which you identify yourself. Your race, gender, your external characteristics over which a person has little or no control, such as height, race, or socioeconomic class, and it encompasses political opinions, moral attitudes, and religious  beliefs, all of which guide the choices one makes on a daily basis.

Those ‘labels’ we gather from birth that cannot be easily dismantled if we internally feel as though they don’t belong to us can be burdensome, even when they do give you a form of identification. Are we just a number in a system without the thought, care of who we are? I believe society has a lot to achieve to break down the barriers of identification and the way in which we speak about our own identities and carry them throughout our relationships. That is something much deeper and more complex to untangle in a blog for another day.

Navigating Life Transitions

Throughout our lives we will all come up against times when our identity is challenged. This can be through a form of transition that was possibly unexpected, for example loss of a job, retirement, loss of a family member, close friend, or a disconnection of friendship or relationship that once kept you anchored and gave you the stability you knew as you and helped shape you and your identity to them. Identity encompasses us being able to discover and identify our potential selves, choosing and going with our purpose and finding the opportunities to work towards those and embrace our purpose.

That’s all fine when we have a clear vision of ourselves, our future, our purpose but,  what happens when these ties break for any reason? Preparation for change of thissort isn’t always in our gift which is why it can feel battering, challenging, difficult, frustrating, frightening.

At our core we all need a purpose to exist and live fully and even if the identity we have lost to one thing, one person, one way of life that can knock us sideways. We are though far more sturdy and much more resilient than we think. We all have a future possible self, something to keep in mind as you carry on through your transitional journey.

Loss of any sort creates an identity crisis yet we all have the tools within us to weather the storms that we face. We need to trust our subconscious and let it lead the way to find clarity in how we proceed and move forward and re-establish ourselves to our new existence. It may not be easy, but if you learn to trust your inner will and let your subconscious mind respond the journey will potentially be not so rocky.

The Three Degrees of Separation and Social Contagion

We are physically connected both in mind and spirit which can be demonstrated through the 'three degrees of separation'. This can affect us both positively and negatively. For every 3 people you know in your family, friend group, your mood, your wellbeing will be in sync in some way and you will feel the social and emotional contagion bearing its effects on each of us. If you are sad or have signs of low mood/depression it can equally affect us in a less positive way.

This concept suggests that our behaviours and emotions ripple through social networks. If a friend of a friend is happy, your own chance of happiness increases. Conversely, the "contagion" of loss or trauma can also spread. Understanding this connectivity is vital for resilience; by consciously surrounding ourselves with positive influences and being aware of the emotional climate of our network, we can better protect our own wellbeing during times of personal identity crisis.

Building Resilience through Subconscious Trust

Ultimately, resilience is the ability to integrate loss into an evolving version of the self. It requires a deep trust in the subconscious mind to process the "unthinkable" and forge a path forward. By acknowledging our place within a larger, interconnected web, we can find the strength to redefine our purpose and embrace our "future possible self." The combination of hypnosis and solution-focused therapy offers a powerful toolset for navigating life's transitions. Working with the subconscious mind in this way is both deeply relaxing and profoundly transformative.